Oh how life has changed…

Standard
Oh how life has changed…

I’ve been missing from my website for two years…but I make no apologies for this. There have been a lot of changes and tragedy in the world in general. In 2016 we lost countless celebrities and in 2017 with all the scandals that have been happening in Hollywood I bet there’s a few that wish they were lost. The U.K. government is negotiating Brexit, the United States has its first orange president and Christmas seems to have started in August. 

My world fell apart in 2016…within six weeksI lost those I held most dear to me my mum & dad. I may remember the start of 2016 but I lost most of it in a fog of anxiety & grief. I didn’t have anything to laugh at, I had nothing to get up for let alone laugh. Suddenly I was on my own having to organise two funerals for those that gave me life.  I had to learn very quickly what to do and how to organise wills, estates, numerous bank accounts, the house…everything. I still don’t know how I did it as its buried in fog. 

Oh how life has changed… I’ve learnt who my real friends are and the ones I can count on or call at 3am. Those who have literally seen me at my lowest, sat on the floor with me when I physically couldn’t get up or stop crying. I’ve learnt it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known people or how long it is since you’ve seen them, it’s whose there when you need them the most, those who walk in when others walk out. I’ve learnt it’s okay not to be okay. 

I’ve taken up mindfulness and learnt it’s okay to cry when you need too. I’ve changed, life has changed and I no longer see things as I once did. Grief will do that to you, it will consume you in waves. I’ve changed my lifestyle, diet and way I take on every day. It’s just over a year since my world was turned upside down and it’s tough again at the moment, physically making changes to the house that was your childhood home. That makes me feel like I’ve boxed up two lifetimes and all I have left is photographs and memories. Do not ever take that for granted, because it can change in a day. 

As hard as it is and with help from some absolutely amazing friends I am starting to learn to laugh again. I will slowly but surely get back into the comedy scene, except this time with a lot more grey hairs to cover I will be the mindful armless comic. Bare with friends…bare with. See you in 2018…

Advertisements

And that was January 2015

Standard
And that was January 2015

My dear waffle bloggers, a very happy new year to you all. Yes, I know it is virtually February which technically means I’m about 19 days early in wishing you a very happy Chinese New Year.

It has taken me a while this month to find happy, funny things to blog about. It is hard to find humour in such tragedies like Charlie Hebdo, only fifteen days into this year. The Je suis Charlie campaign of freedom of speech around the globe, if nothing else restored my faith in humanity.

The worrying thing I think for January is for the Peppa Pig creators. Should we not use pigs as characters in children’s stories etc in fear of offending Jewish & Muslim people? Frankly I think poor old Porky pig would have something to say about this. Porky pig has been around for 50+years, then there was babe and now Peppa. Other than the fact I think they would make a cracking bacon butter MDWB’s, I think the world has gone mad.

We worry too much about approval and forget about fun. Politically correct cartoons, well I’m sorry but has anybody watched futurama lately. I’d be worried if I saw a talking octopus coming towards me.

So MDWB’s I am hoping that February onwards brings love, laughter and fun . It’s so much easier to write about!

Until next time, I am still working my way through only fools & horses.

2015/01/img_0177.jpg

2015/01/img_0178.jpg

The Year that was 2014

Standard
The Year that was 2014

My dear waffle bloggers, its been just another year on planet Earth…

 

Stories such as Robin Wiliams’ tragic suicide, the miraculous Rosetta landing and, naturally, the revealing of the new Star Wars trailer will all be fresh in your memory. Some events, however, will have slipped to the back of your mind, possibly to be rehashed at a pub quiz in 2030 or something.

I’m going to take a little look at the one’s that may not have moved the world; shocked and scarred us like the ISIS be-headings, or saddened us like Peaches Geldof’s death. we all need a break from the mundane and misery sometimes.

Courtney Love was convinced she had found the missing MH370 plane and cleverly displayed this on twitter Bi6mCbxCIAAbJo7(see right). Oh bless her MDWB’s there’s not much more you can say to that is there…

Seth Rogen and James Franco almost started a war with North Korea.

2014 is definitely a year for the history books, as the massively scrutinised movie “The Interview” was declared an “act of war”. Why? The Sony Pictures movie is about two journalists recruited by the CIA to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Needless to say, the supreme leader does not find the movie amusing at all, and his spokesperson publicly criticised the movie, which features the line:

“Kim Jong-un’s people believe anything he tells them. Including that he can speak to dolphins or he doesn’t urinate and defecate.”

Of course, the repercussions of this could have been deadly serious, but that doesn’t take away the hilarity of the fact Rogen and Franco totally pissed off Kim Jong Un.

And then of course MDWB’s there was the over cautious pedrestrian in Coventry .BeG-ZbRIIAAckEb

This absolute gem was captured at the beginning of 2014 in Coventry, showing a highly vigilant walker doing exactly as she was told. Wonder if she sticks her arm to the side to indicate when she’s about to turn a corner, too?

 

Then of course we find out why Peter really shops at Iceland B01WJvmCIAAtpid– Brands and companies, take note this is why typography is desperately important. Unless that’s the real reason Peter goes to Iceland?

 

My dear waffle bloggers we also had this year ‘the defense of the dinosaurs’. Stephen Spielberg sitting next to a triceratops caused a public outcry on Facebook! Oh my dear waffle bloggers

How could he kill that Triceratops? Despite the creatures being dead for 66 million years now, a worrying amount of gullible Facebook users were caught up in a flurry of outrage this summer, when a photo of Steven Spielberg posing on the set of Jurassic Park in 1993 was uploaded with this joke caption.

The public’s outraged comments included a few genuine gems:10456025_794495280595121_4652045239948459965_n

“Steven Spielberg, I’m disappointed in you. I’m not watching any of your movies again ANIMAL KILLER,’ she ended her impassioned rant”

“Disgraceful. No wonder dinosaurs became extinct. Sickos like this kill every last one of them as soon as they are discovered. He should be in prison.”

“I don’t care who he is, he should not have shot that animal”

As long as the unicorns are still safe, ey?

There has been a lot of sadness and destruction in the world this year my dear waffle bloggers, that it is just too disrespectful to laugh about. So I won’t, all I’ll say is I hope 2015 is a more peaceful year across the globe.

And then there was England’s attempt to play football in the World Cup in Brazil (the less said about that the better me thinks).

To end the year some twat at the Independent names Nigel Farage as ‘Briton of the Year’. MDWB’s there are no more words on that I can say.

The Easter eggs have already hit the shelves in the supermarkets (27/12/2014) and now we wait for the battle of the politicians to step up. Toys to be thrown out of the pram, hyped up news stories, utter bollocks none of us non Eton & Oxford educated folks understand being banded about, all for a little X in a box on May 7th.

20140503_BRD001_0

So, until 2015 my dear waffle bloggers I bid you goodnight as I have 33years of Only fools & horses to watch before going back to work.  My resolution for 2015

 laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, love a little deeper, and walk through life a little slower

 

That my dear friends was the year that was 2014. Thank you for reading and I’ll be blogging my way through next year!

Black Friday madness

Standard
Black Friday madness

Friday 28th November. England.

Oh my dear waffle bloggers what is going on in England. Blame it if you will on the three A’s, Amazon, Apple & Asda, cooperations that thrive in the Good old US of A. Popping over to our shores and creating further madness for us.

If you are wondering why Debbie in Marketing is looking more perky than normal for a Friday, no it’s not because of a extra shot in her coffee. It’s because she’s just got 40% off a mulberry bag. Brian in accounts is not jumping up and down because he’s finally found the money that was AWOL in the internal systems. No it’s because he’s just scored a 40-inch plasma TV at half the price.

Brace yourself MDWB’s it’s here and looks like it’s here to stay. But getting in a barney over a cut-price blender isn’t very British is it? Oh my dear waffle bloggers I can see it now…
“Steve, father, son, brother… Died in vain for a Kenwood toaster.

If your other half owns a pair of health & safety boots, nick them. Steel toe caps are an excellent way of taking out a rival shopper. Buy a magazine, roll it up and use it as a sword, imagine Russell Crowe the muscle years *take a moment ladies and visualise this* then smack away! The posh sorts are scared of boobs & straight talking… Ladies we have the advantage here!

Play space invaders. Stand uncomfortably close to the person in front of you, breath softly on their neck. Tap their leg with your bags, 10 points if you can make them move!!

That my dear waffle bloggers is a quick tip for Black Friday as its descended on Britain.

IMG_0176-1.JPG

Kim Kardashian’s arse is trending on social media. Can we have that Apocalypse now?

Standard
Kim Kardashian’s arse is trending on social media. Can we have that Apocalypse now?

Why the hell does Kim Kardashian’s arse look like a glazed doughnut!?!

Oh my dear waffle bloggers how can we escape the eclipse that is Kim Kardashian’s arse! I mean seriously it puts you off buying a doughnut for a sneaky lunchtime treat! doughnut

What is that woman thinking! For years us women have been told loose weight, look great – not have an arse the size of mount Everest!

And now MDWB’s what do you buy the man who has everything for his birthday… clearly the answer is an arse in silicone!

This wasn’t any old arse. Oh no – we’re talking a silicon sculpture of Kim’s own bottom that she apparently had made to show her husband just how she feels about him.

 I’m not sure if this is a subliminal message to tell him he’s an arse or just because he’s a big fan of her buttocks, but either way the ‘artistic sculpture’ apparently cost £13,000 to buy.

Bargain.

The replica was her idea for a gift, she thinks it’s artistic and knew Kanye would love it.

“It means he’ll always have a piece of her, albeit her bum, if Kim’s away working.”

Yeah and it also means that if Kanye ever gets shipwrecked at sea, he’ll have a handy flotation device to act as a life raft until help arrives. Plus if he ever decides he wants bum implants, he’ll have a pair all ready to go in.

Dear 2014…what have you inflicted upon the world?

Sincerely,

A very disturbed by this culture of arse molding citizen

Remember remember the 5th November

Standard
Remember remember the 5th November

36 barrels of gunpowder under the Houses of Parliament… A war veteran pissed off by broken promises…

409 years later not a lot has changed really has it

My dear waffle bloggers, how are we? Television suitably turned up to drown out the fireworks in that ever so ‘British’ way yet?!

Yes, good, now let’s have a think about this shall we…Guy Fawkes night, bonfire night whatever you want to call it. These days it’s sees hundreds of thousands of pounds spent on blowing things up that look pretty in the night sky. People wrapped up warm drinking hot soup & eating jacket potatoes or queuing for the Waltzer whilst the sky is alight.

But 409 years ago a pissed off war veteran took some firewood, coal and matches and wandered underneath the Houses of Parliament. Intent to show the powers that be what’s what. MDWB’s if that were to happen today can you imagine it’s just you, him, and the bomb, and you talk to him to buy yourself some time while hoping someone comes along, calls the police, does the decent thing.

You are brave MDWB’s and you decide to have a chat…

There are lots of things he could be angry about with the people currently sitting above you – fraud, smears, lies, paedophiles, cock-ups, poor mathematics, migrant-bashing – but the thing he hates most of all is the Military Covenant.

Not the idea of it, which is to ensure armed forces personnel suffer no disadvantage due to their service and sometimes get preferential treatment because of it.

Nor the way it was enshrined in law in 2011 amid much fanfare and the Prime Minister promising to “treat people with the dignity they deserve”.

No, he’s angry about the fact that within a year of it being made law Parliament pissed on it.

He’s angry that war veterans like him were made redundant just days before they qualified for a pension, while politicians facing reform to their own pensions could get a higher salary to make up for it.

We keep on having a chat MDWB’s and you realise that you to are angry. Angry about the fact it took two years of appalling allegations about paedophiles infecting almost every institution in British life – the BBC, the NHS, children’s homes, Parliament itself never mind your local kebab shop – before the Government was stirred into organising an inquiry.

You wonder about the worth of parliamentarians who tell the terminally ill to get up and work. You wonder how disabled people will have a better life without the allowances they need to pay for independent living.

You stand there, feeling angry, and think about how 409 years ago today a war veteran with 10 years’ fighting behind him who felt oppressed and angry about promises the rulers had broken stood in the under-croft of the Houses of Parliament with 36 barrels of gunpowder, some coal and firewood, and matches in his pocket.

My dear waffle bloggers we all forget why Guy Fawkes was so angry & pissed off, why after he’s long gone the oppression for people like him simply got worse, and lasted for more than two centuries. How would we react today MDWB’s?  Well there’d be various reactions from people but in some ways dear friends how much has really changed in the last 409 years? …

Do you look over your shoulder at the door, glad no-one’s come along yet?

Maybe you wish him luck, and tell him that as Fawkes said on the rack “a desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy”.

Maybe you will try to talk him out of it, or go to find a policeman in the hope he’ll get help and the people who put themselves above will finally listen to those left below.

Me, well I think I’d quietly turn around, close the door, stick my elbow in the fire alarm and well the rest as they say is history MDWB’s.

 

guy fawkes

Have you ever noticed just how dirty minded biscuits actually are?

Standard
Have you ever noticed just how dirty minded biscuits actually are?

Have you ever noticed just how dirty minded biscuits actually are?

My dear waffle bloggers, how are we this week? Fed up with autumn / winter yet? Debating whether to take an umbrella to work or should the heating be on yet! Yes….I think we are all there aren’t we.

So here’s a little insight into the world of biscuit club in our office (you will never look at a biscuit in the same way again). Let’s get into the frame of mind shall we, here goes…

You set up the tea club because we are always short of milk, tea or coffee and most likely a clean cup. We resolve this by reforming the ‘tea club’. Out comes the spreadsheet and shopping price comparisons on the best price for tea, coffee & sugar go into the hat for the best deal. Next who wants in?? Yep, sorted names on a sheet and off we go…fabulous!

But what biscuits do we get I hear you cry??

Well my dear waffle bloggers this is where it went wrong! Now I’d always prided myself on being a reasonable speller…until the day I did the biscuit choices on the spreadsheet.

My simple mistake of misspelling ‘Jammy dodgers’ to Jammy doggers’ lead to the decline of work and a whole new world of biscuit discussion!

Can you imagine a jammy dogger…Ewww clearly nobody wants that! That’s not in the tourist information about

Pocream-collon-buscuits1rtsdown Hill’s special car park section!

But it does get you thinking doesn’t it…who comes up with these names? Are they sitting there chuckling away to themselves wondering how long it might be before someone thinks…Oooo maybe that’s not such a good name for a mid morning snack!

Have a ponder MDWB’s and get back to me…

Lemon Puffs

Pink Wafer

Ginger Nuts

Custard Creams

Fig Roll

Jammy dodgers

Cadburys Fingers

Jaffa Cake

Hob Nob

Coconut Ring

Viennese Finger

The list just goes on and on my dear waffle bloggers…so next time you are dunking a biscuit in your cuppa tea or coffee…You’ll never think of a biscuit in the same way again!

It goes in dry and comes out wet, the longer its in the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and starts to sag, its not what you think… its a tetley’s teabag!

If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the “Sweet & Sour Soup”

Standard
If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the “Sweet & Sour Soup”

My dear waffle bloggers…we all have bad days don’t we? Some of those days turn into days, weeks, months or even years in some poor bugger’s case!

I’ve had a few recently MDWB’s but I always think “If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the Sweet & Sour Soup”.

That always makes me chuckle, I mean can you imagine Jonathan Ross trying to order sweet & sour soup in a Chinese restaurant somewhere in Soho. If you are having a bad day MDWB’s picture that and have a chuckle to lighten your day for a few minutes.

Now I tell you what did make me chuckle recently MDWB’s…

Let’s cross over the continent in to Europe, Spain to be precise. Here we have sun, sand, sex and sangria. A place you might think now there’s a lovely place for a hen night.I’ll set the scene for you…

Ridiculous amounts of alcohol flowing, the bridesmaids have organised you a stripper. *rubs hands with delight* You are blindfolded hoping that he’s not a complete minger! Music starts and the panic of please don’t be Danny DeVito as the 50yr old stripper in that episode of FRIENDS where he cries A LOT! But what do you get instead… A DWARF!

Now I know that dwarfism itself is not funny. But is funny that your so called ‘friends’ have hired you one! Personally MDWB’s I’d be wetting myself laughing to see the reaction of ‘your friend…the bride’s’ face! Let’s just hope it makes her happy, not grumpy *laughs out loud*.

Right back to Spain… well the story get more interesting MDWB’s in this case he did indeed make her very happy but her new husband very grumpy. As the drunkenness of the occasion(hen night) lead to her getting carried away a little…well I think I’d be wondering ‘is it in yet’, clearly far too much sangria blurred her vision, made her a bit dopey and not at all bashful. As the bride to be fell pregnant…by her new husband you may think….but No! The dwarf stripper!!

She did not admit to her closest friends that she’d drunkenly shagged a dwarf…well let’s be honest why would you! Last weekend of freedom, pissed as a fart and drunkenly fucked a dwarf. A secret you think *well actually maybe you should let that one lie and get buried in the back of the closet*. One little problem, the husband thought all the way through the preganancy *as you would* it’s mine. She’d tried to forget the ‘I shagged a dwarf when I was pissed moment’.

*Awkward moment coming here*…

“But the protagonist of this episode had no choice but to confess and could never have pretended the boy was her husband’s because of a little problem – the child was born with dwarfism.”

It is not unusual for dwarfs to be hired as entertainers at hen and stag parties and several websites offer the services of “miniboys” as they are known in Spain.

She got a mini boy alright… and probably a divorce.

So when you are next having a bad day MDWB’s just pause for a moment and think either of Jonathan Ross ordering sweet & sour soup in Soho or why you should shag a dwarf stripper on your hen night.

Until next time my friends…happy

 

 

I know what I did this summer…

Standard
I know what I did this summer…

Oh my dear waffle bloggers, I do apologise I had what some may call a rather busy summer. You see MDWB’s unfortunately comedy as a hobby does not pay the bills so that little task of work got in the way.

 

Well, listen in *moves in quietly as if for a huddle* here is a little about my work…

This summer MDWB’s I searched for a Gruffalo in the woods…and found two! Yes two of them… *gasps* I hear, Noooo that can’t be true! Yes, yes it is. Is there a gruffalo breeding programme you cry! Sadly no. Is there a Mrs Gruffalo?? Alas no. Well then how the bloody hell did the Gruffalo end up with a child!?!

Frankly MDWB’s I was baffled by this question…but I chose the only adult solution to this pondering… *glugg, glugg, glugg* you hear, yes I opened the wine. Once the wine was consumed, I really couldn’t have given a pig’s trotter how many Gruffalo’s there are in the world.

And then of course there was the stalking of the old man with a cocker spaniel and a close encounter with Jesus all before 9am! Oh MDWB’s picture the scene…

You are in a rural area, the sat nav thinks everything is an ‘unnamed road’ the address you have does not have a number…but we are looking for a key hanging out of a door. I drive very very slowly down this country lane until an old man comes along walking his cock…apologies cocker spaniel. Suddenly you feel as if this is turning into a very surreal drive-by minus the violence. Politely we ask the gentleman if he can help, he kindly walks his dog back down the road to show us the right place. We wish him good day and hope he enjoys walking his cock.

Then my dear waffle bloggers,one of my car companions goes to get out the car to go and get the key. Simple task you may think…*dramatic pause* (Imagine Chariots of Fire playing in the background) out of the car in slow motion falls my car companion…straight onto a grass verge. A pure British comedic motion in 3d HD! Casually, without looking too scathed, toddles off to get the key. In the words of my sat nav…’Mission accomplished’ or so we think.

Next stop, the village shop to buy milk and biscuits for tea. MDWB’s it was like that scene from ‘The League of Gentlemen’ when someone enters the shop for the first time – sheer horror of strangers in the village. Plus I think they milked the fecking cow the price of a pint of milk! We quickly exited the shop…Right onwards to the correct destination.

No. Well, here’s where it went wrong…you see not have a left arm at all I’m not terribly good with my lefts and rights. I often find myself taking the wrong turn and going on a little adventure that’s slightly out of my way. That day was no exception MDWB’s. Except this time we (me and the car companions) ended up at a convent. Now this would have been fine if I hadn’t had a flashback of being there once before. I can’t possibly tell you what went through my mind from before MDWB’S but there are a few readers of this blog that will read this and have a chuckle. (I can be bribed with celebrations and wine to tell all).

Now, I’m not religious MDWB’S but I do respect others right to their faith and beliefs. But there is still something unnerving when turning the car around in what you think is a car park and there is a statue of Jesus staring right back at you! At least unlike last time Meatloaf’s Heaven can wait didn’t come on the radio!

Finally, 9:00am we arrive in fits of giggles where we were suppose to be… Set up, try (without laughing) to explain to others why we were all laughing so much. And…*deep breath* recompose and back to work.

That MDWB’s is an insight into my summer… Can you guess what I do as a day job??I know

Wafflings will resume accordingly…

 

Until next time…if anyone wants me, I’ll be in the living room wine tasting 😉

Link
Prosthetics, balls and Boom!

Well my dear waffle bloggers,

I do apologise for the distinct lack of blogging lately but I’m sure you didn’t want another woman just moaning about the football! The World Cup my dear waffle bloggers, we wait four years for the media build the intense suspense and then….

We bloody well come home, knocked out after two games! But of course had to play that one last game…just to really rub salt in the wound! And that’s that done & dusted for another four years. Personally I think England football team should swap wages with the British Armed Forces! Don’t you agree MDWB’s?

Anyway enough of this ball talk, I want to tell you about my little world of late. Well I got my electronic arm back *jumps up & down for joy*. Yes fellas beware my left hand grip is now rather strong!! *Naughty, Oh do behave MDWB’S*

I saw a very interesting prosthetic arm on my visit to Dorset Orthopaedic, an i Limb! No don’t panic as I did thinking Apple are actually taking over the world! But it is rather clever, controlled by an app you can get on the app store or android! Your hand can cleverly move like a real hand. Now those of you that know me will know that I find this clever but incredibly freaky! I mean, imagine the scene…

PUB…with friends

  • *7pm* – everyone curious about the mechanics & wondering the technical spec
  • 8pm* – Oooo can you do your shoe up with it??
  • *9pm* – Can you go and pinch that cute barman’s arse with it?
  • *10pm* – Fuuuuccckkkk!! How the hell is my hand doing that!! It’s not real it can’t be!!
  •  *11pm* – Can it crawl across the floor like thing from the Adams Family??
  •  *11:05pm* – thrown out of pub for inappropriate prosthetic play!

Yes MDWB’s, you can see it now can’t you, I’m sure as hell I can! In the words of the brilliant Miranda Hart ‘Such fun!’

Righty ho off of the i Limb and back to work…

I have a varied job, I can’t deny. Recently I attended a Gruffalo hunt in a forest searching for a Gruffalo. A Gruffalo, you say…but there’s no such thing! Well I’m sorry to disappoint MDWB’s but the Gruffalo is real and goes under the alias of Ben! Excellent day out in the forest, birthday cake, thunder, lighting *very very frightening*, *your welcome* (as Queen now steps into your head)

Then today my dear waffle bloggers, a good couple of hundred people all sat in rather a large tent and listened to speeches come and go. But then MDWB’s we were given Boom whackers! Now a Boom whacker for those of you who don’t know is a hollow coloured tube that is in tune to a note, generally in the C scale. Varying length my dear waffle bloggers and no you can’t blow it *don’t be rude*. Average girth and not much to look at…isn’t that always the way girls! Anyway….

We had to play a tune! Absolutely no idea what it was but we banged away for a good 20 minutes or more! Banging for 20 minutes I hear you say! Yes 20 minutes of banging is enough to leave anyone exhausted on a Monday afternoon! I know I was exhausted that night I was banging away…yes, MDWB’s I had left my Terry’s Chocolate Orange in the fridge! Never, ever again will I do that!

Well, we didn’t have much of a tune but according to the font of all knowledge aka YouTube you can play the William Tell Overture! As these Gentlemen here clearly demonstrate…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jtrRwHVCgI

Well we all have to aspire to something my dear waffle bloggers… Maybe next year!