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Eurovision…where do I begin

My dear waffle bloggers,

Where do I begin with Eurovision. The only decent thing about Eurovision was Graham Norton’s commentary. Honestly MDWB’s if I hadn’t been to a local watering hole in the afternoon I don’t think I could have watched with such…such, well I don’t know what the word is so here is Eurovision as I saw it MDWB’s.

It starts with some awful walk on like a Miss World show, from the start the only ‘Miss World’ was going to be Conchita. Russia was booed but I never noticed Putin on stage. That Ruth from the X-Factor walked on trying to look like a Special ‘K’ advert and the hosts all appear to be dressed like they are going to the MET gala, but I don’t think the MET  gala could handle them.

People were talking out of sync MDWB’s don’t you just love it when people do that…it’s not at all annoying is it!! Ukraine appear and you think well they might just win because of everything that’s in a bit of a pickle at the moment. They opt for a giant hamster man as a prop. I thought if he stops running she falls over until the batteries die…should have gone for the Duracell bunny. Belarus look like they have fallen out of 1997 and Belarus might sell you a stolen mobile phone, and his song is called Cheesecake. It’s honestly too much. There’s a V of backup dancers all dressed in suits singing about cheesecake. Cheesecake is possibly the best song ever written. Also, I am now in dire need of a cheesecake.

Azerbajan’s entry has fallen out of the Baku School of Performing Artists and for all the oil Azerbaijan have you’d think she could have had a few explosions. Azerbajan said “Make love not war” but yet sung a song that could have easily started war.

Iceland  dressed like the Spice Girls with beards. This is kind of like what would happen if the Beatles were shit and in 2013.  Norway already sounds like it’s going to be a Damian Rice’s chubby cousin. Norway sounded a bit like a really sad lamb on a mountainside. Say hi to Shakira for me.

Romania make some incredible use of green screen, Eurovision have the hand dancing prize. That piano definitely works. Since all of the keys apparently play the same sequence. What a peculiar piano it was MDWB’s.  Armenia can go home. Romania can’t be topped. Until there is enough wine to top it. The I spoke to soon my dear waffle bloggers Armenia has made a whole new vocal register just for himself. Also someone needs to get him some Vicks Vaporub and i have no idea what they are singing about.

Montenegro is apparently in Avatar with a random ice-skater who shits out flowers. Then onto Poland… The Cheeky Girls from Poland apparently.For no apparent reason a polish woman is getting her tits out and pouring water. That milk churning girl has a sterling future in being a whore.

Thanks to Greece for the hot men!! Finally some eye candy in this odd competition! But Apparently Greece’s entry is a mixture of a rapper from Souf East London and a gay singer from a Greek Club 18-30 bar. I’m guessing Greece have a UK rapper in their mix because they can’t afford the local workforce?

CONCHITTAAAAAA appears… that’s it show over everyone else can go home.Conchita has hit the botox hard. REMAINS FLAWLESS WHILST DOING SO. Conchita is wearing a creation by God with embossed details from the Holy Spirit, Conchita is touched by her reception. I am touched by her beard.

Germany presents their version of Brigette Neilsen’s daughter with Pink. I dont hate this weird song. Accordion lady looks like she’s high on E’s behind the singer.

Sweden is called Undo. If only we could Undo  tonight. France NEVER sing in English. They are like, fuck you England. I wanna have a mustache too but I am also damned to looking like a giant cockatoo, I feel your pain France.

Russia have their hair tied together. They are like a terrifying Aryan Siamese dream. Slovenia taking a break from filming the next season of Once Upon a Time to be here today. Finland have the third member of Jedward.

Ruth Lorenzo, is this real rain??

Switzerland give us some sexy men whistling. That’ll do pig, that’ll do. He’s definitely 100% playing that violin, it’s funny because the drum is beating it twice where as he’s only hitting it once. It’s amazing! Drake gained some muscle mass.

Malta has an impeccable blow-out.

The next act has a song called “cliche love song” which sounds exactly like Bruno Mars. The Netherlands entry, somewhere Taylor Swift is ripping this melody. It’s kinda weird that they are just singing the song to each other but not really. Also the blonde girl looks like she’s have a moment.

Apparently San Morino is a country MDWB’s. She’s a pearl in the shell. MayBEEEE! The second Bond song of the night. Maybeeee. I left the oven on?

UK. So we can get five points again. Molly is actually pretty good. If not a little tone deaf. And now EXTENSIVE BANTER and then we get to see the best part – people reporting the votes awkwardly in-front of a green screen! HILARIOUS CHINESE UK JOKE BACKFIRE for Graham Norton! AMAZING.

So Romania, Austria, Germany, Slovenia, Malta, and Spain the favourites from here then. The real reason is a shared love for music. That’s what we are calling what we’ve heard tonight. I am not sure what I’m looking at right now. Something terrifying.

And now Rebecca Brooks and her ghouls on ladders for no real reason. Really, what was the point in that MDWB’s!!

Next there’s a terrible music video joke about the number 12 as the highest score. At least they are trying. It’s not Sweden, but it’s welcome. It’s like a gay new year countdown!

Then we get to the results my dear waffle bloggers…

Azerbajan is announcing votes with a drunk prostitute. SHES THANKING THEM FOR A GREAT SHOW. The first of Many, I’m sure! RUSSIA is getting BOOED BITCH. Russia is a controversial vote because Azerbajan have strong economic ties to Russia. Albania look like he’s just arrived from a gay hunting trip. Sweden was pretty shit. I’m outraged and not drunk enough for ANY of this.  Russia getting SERIOUS BOOS BITCH. Which is a shame for the long lost Ecclestone sister. The Netherlands presents the dutch Zac Efron.

I will have whatever everyone is smoking on this mess.

France making zero effort to speak in English. Scott Mills has had work done. Latvia showed up in an oversized hockey shirt from bed. Oh Russia is getting boooed booeed boooooooed. Russia is like the Paris Hilton of this event. Marco from Macedonia sporting some elegant white glasses. (Fancy) Belarus wins for the best presenting of scores with random and un-necessary but always necessary singing.

You have to feel a bit bad for Russian girls sitting in there getting absolutely caned by the audience. Norway look like a bad Lady Gaga tribute act. Talin’s presenter broke out of a gay bar for a quick minute to present some points. I take it back FINLAND have won at presenting scores with the most awkward rap of all time. Lithuania just told Conchita to SHAVE. Lithuania could NEVER! Spain started presenting and her programming messed up so she tried again. CONCHITA HAS WON! CONCHITA QWEEN OF EUROPE!

Well now it’s time to let Conchita cry dry botox tears of shock and beauty and you will deal.

Then my dear waffle bloggers I went to bed… Wondering why I hadn’t stayed in the pub. I don’t usually watch Eurovision MDWB’s but there is some comical value in it really isn’t there…

But I couldn’t help but think my dear waffle bloggers that Conchita did look like a better groomed Russell Brand?

 

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