Tag Archives: funny

The Year that was 2014

Standard
The Year that was 2014

My dear waffle bloggers, its been just another year on planet Earth…

 

Stories such as Robin Wiliams’ tragic suicide, the miraculous Rosetta landing and, naturally, the revealing of the new Star Wars trailer will all be fresh in your memory. Some events, however, will have slipped to the back of your mind, possibly to be rehashed at a pub quiz in 2030 or something.

I’m going to take a little look at the one’s that may not have moved the world; shocked and scarred us like the ISIS be-headings, or saddened us like Peaches Geldof’s death. we all need a break from the mundane and misery sometimes.

Courtney Love was convinced she had found the missing MH370 plane and cleverly displayed this on twitter Bi6mCbxCIAAbJo7(see right). Oh bless her MDWB’s there’s not much more you can say to that is there…

Seth Rogen and James Franco almost started a war with North Korea.

2014 is definitely a year for the history books, as the massively scrutinised movie “The Interview” was declared an “act of war”. Why? The Sony Pictures movie is about two journalists recruited by the CIA to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Needless to say, the supreme leader does not find the movie amusing at all, and his spokesperson publicly criticised the movie, which features the line:

“Kim Jong-un’s people believe anything he tells them. Including that he can speak to dolphins or he doesn’t urinate and defecate.”

Of course, the repercussions of this could have been deadly serious, but that doesn’t take away the hilarity of the fact Rogen and Franco totally pissed off Kim Jong Un.

And then of course MDWB’s there was the over cautious pedrestrian in Coventry .BeG-ZbRIIAAckEb

This absolute gem was captured at the beginning of 2014 in Coventry, showing a highly vigilant walker doing exactly as she was told. Wonder if she sticks her arm to the side to indicate when she’s about to turn a corner, too?

 

Then of course we find out why Peter really shops at Iceland B01WJvmCIAAtpid– Brands and companies, take note this is why typography is desperately important. Unless that’s the real reason Peter goes to Iceland?

 

My dear waffle bloggers we also had this year ‘the defense of the dinosaurs’. Stephen Spielberg sitting next to a triceratops caused a public outcry on Facebook! Oh my dear waffle bloggers

How could he kill that Triceratops? Despite the creatures being dead for 66 million years now, a worrying amount of gullible Facebook users were caught up in a flurry of outrage this summer, when a photo of Steven Spielberg posing on the set of Jurassic Park in 1993 was uploaded with this joke caption.

The public’s outraged comments included a few genuine gems:10456025_794495280595121_4652045239948459965_n

“Steven Spielberg, I’m disappointed in you. I’m not watching any of your movies again ANIMAL KILLER,’ she ended her impassioned rant”

“Disgraceful. No wonder dinosaurs became extinct. Sickos like this kill every last one of them as soon as they are discovered. He should be in prison.”

“I don’t care who he is, he should not have shot that animal”

As long as the unicorns are still safe, ey?

There has been a lot of sadness and destruction in the world this year my dear waffle bloggers, that it is just too disrespectful to laugh about. So I won’t, all I’ll say is I hope 2015 is a more peaceful year across the globe.

And then there was England’s attempt to play football in the World Cup in Brazil (the less said about that the better me thinks).

To end the year some twat at the Independent names Nigel Farage as ‘Briton of the Year’. MDWB’s there are no more words on that I can say.

The Easter eggs have already hit the shelves in the supermarkets (27/12/2014) and now we wait for the battle of the politicians to step up. Toys to be thrown out of the pram, hyped up news stories, utter bollocks none of us non Eton & Oxford educated folks understand being banded about, all for a little X in a box on May 7th.

20140503_BRD001_0

So, until 2015 my dear waffle bloggers I bid you goodnight as I have 33years of Only fools & horses to watch before going back to work.  My resolution for 2015

 laugh a little louder, smile a little bigger, love a little deeper, and walk through life a little slower

 

That my dear friends was the year that was 2014. Thank you for reading and I’ll be blogging my way through next year!

Advertisements

Kim Kardashian’s arse is trending on social media. Can we have that Apocalypse now?

Standard
Kim Kardashian’s arse is trending on social media. Can we have that Apocalypse now?

Why the hell does Kim Kardashian’s arse look like a glazed doughnut!?!

Oh my dear waffle bloggers how can we escape the eclipse that is Kim Kardashian’s arse! I mean seriously it puts you off buying a doughnut for a sneaky lunchtime treat! doughnut

What is that woman thinking! For years us women have been told loose weight, look great – not have an arse the size of mount Everest!

And now MDWB’s what do you buy the man who has everything for his birthday… clearly the answer is an arse in silicone!

This wasn’t any old arse. Oh no – we’re talking a silicon sculpture of Kim’s own bottom that she apparently had made to show her husband just how she feels about him.

 I’m not sure if this is a subliminal message to tell him he’s an arse or just because he’s a big fan of her buttocks, but either way the ‘artistic sculpture’ apparently cost £13,000 to buy.

Bargain.

The replica was her idea for a gift, she thinks it’s artistic and knew Kanye would love it.

“It means he’ll always have a piece of her, albeit her bum, if Kim’s away working.”

Yeah and it also means that if Kanye ever gets shipwrecked at sea, he’ll have a handy flotation device to act as a life raft until help arrives. Plus if he ever decides he wants bum implants, he’ll have a pair all ready to go in.

Dear 2014…what have you inflicted upon the world?

Sincerely,

A very disturbed by this culture of arse molding citizen

Have you ever noticed just how dirty minded biscuits actually are?

Standard
Have you ever noticed just how dirty minded biscuits actually are?

Have you ever noticed just how dirty minded biscuits actually are?

My dear waffle bloggers, how are we this week? Fed up with autumn / winter yet? Debating whether to take an umbrella to work or should the heating be on yet! Yes….I think we are all there aren’t we.

So here’s a little insight into the world of biscuit club in our office (you will never look at a biscuit in the same way again). Let’s get into the frame of mind shall we, here goes…

You set up the tea club because we are always short of milk, tea or coffee and most likely a clean cup. We resolve this by reforming the ‘tea club’. Out comes the spreadsheet and shopping price comparisons on the best price for tea, coffee & sugar go into the hat for the best deal. Next who wants in?? Yep, sorted names on a sheet and off we go…fabulous!

But what biscuits do we get I hear you cry??

Well my dear waffle bloggers this is where it went wrong! Now I’d always prided myself on being a reasonable speller…until the day I did the biscuit choices on the spreadsheet.

My simple mistake of misspelling ‘Jammy dodgers’ to Jammy doggers’ lead to the decline of work and a whole new world of biscuit discussion!

Can you imagine a jammy dogger…Ewww clearly nobody wants that! That’s not in the tourist information about

Pocream-collon-buscuits1rtsdown Hill’s special car park section!

But it does get you thinking doesn’t it…who comes up with these names? Are they sitting there chuckling away to themselves wondering how long it might be before someone thinks…Oooo maybe that’s not such a good name for a mid morning snack!

Have a ponder MDWB’s and get back to me…

Lemon Puffs

Pink Wafer

Ginger Nuts

Custard Creams

Fig Roll

Jammy dodgers

Cadburys Fingers

Jaffa Cake

Hob Nob

Coconut Ring

Viennese Finger

The list just goes on and on my dear waffle bloggers…so next time you are dunking a biscuit in your cuppa tea or coffee…You’ll never think of a biscuit in the same way again!

It goes in dry and comes out wet, the longer its in the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and starts to sag, its not what you think… its a tetley’s teabag!

If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the “Sweet & Sour Soup”

Standard
If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the “Sweet & Sour Soup”

My dear waffle bloggers…we all have bad days don’t we? Some of those days turn into days, weeks, months or even years in some poor bugger’s case!

I’ve had a few recently MDWB’s but I always think “If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the Sweet & Sour Soup”.

That always makes me chuckle, I mean can you imagine Jonathan Ross trying to order sweet & sour soup in a Chinese restaurant somewhere in Soho. If you are having a bad day MDWB’s picture that and have a chuckle to lighten your day for a few minutes.

Now I tell you what did make me chuckle recently MDWB’s…

Let’s cross over the continent in to Europe, Spain to be precise. Here we have sun, sand, sex and sangria. A place you might think now there’s a lovely place for a hen night.I’ll set the scene for you…

Ridiculous amounts of alcohol flowing, the bridesmaids have organised you a stripper. *rubs hands with delight* You are blindfolded hoping that he’s not a complete minger! Music starts and the panic of please don’t be Danny DeVito as the 50yr old stripper in that episode of FRIENDS where he cries A LOT! But what do you get instead… A DWARF!

Now I know that dwarfism itself is not funny. But is funny that your so called ‘friends’ have hired you one! Personally MDWB’s I’d be wetting myself laughing to see the reaction of ‘your friend…the bride’s’ face! Let’s just hope it makes her happy, not grumpy *laughs out loud*.

Right back to Spain… well the story get more interesting MDWB’s in this case he did indeed make her very happy but her new husband very grumpy. As the drunkenness of the occasion(hen night) lead to her getting carried away a little…well I think I’d be wondering ‘is it in yet’, clearly far too much sangria blurred her vision, made her a bit dopey and not at all bashful. As the bride to be fell pregnant…by her new husband you may think….but No! The dwarf stripper!!

She did not admit to her closest friends that she’d drunkenly shagged a dwarf…well let’s be honest why would you! Last weekend of freedom, pissed as a fart and drunkenly fucked a dwarf. A secret you think *well actually maybe you should let that one lie and get buried in the back of the closet*. One little problem, the husband thought all the way through the preganancy *as you would* it’s mine. She’d tried to forget the ‘I shagged a dwarf when I was pissed moment’.

*Awkward moment coming here*…

“But the protagonist of this episode had no choice but to confess and could never have pretended the boy was her husband’s because of a little problem – the child was born with dwarfism.”

It is not unusual for dwarfs to be hired as entertainers at hen and stag parties and several websites offer the services of “miniboys” as they are known in Spain.

She got a mini boy alright… and probably a divorce.

So when you are next having a bad day MDWB’s just pause for a moment and think either of Jonathan Ross ordering sweet & sour soup in Soho or why you should shag a dwarf stripper on your hen night.

Until next time my friends…happy

 

 

I know what I did this summer…

Standard
I know what I did this summer…

Oh my dear waffle bloggers, I do apologise I had what some may call a rather busy summer. You see MDWB’s unfortunately comedy as a hobby does not pay the bills so that little task of work got in the way.

 

Well, listen in *moves in quietly as if for a huddle* here is a little about my work…

This summer MDWB’s I searched for a Gruffalo in the woods…and found two! Yes two of them… *gasps* I hear, Noooo that can’t be true! Yes, yes it is. Is there a gruffalo breeding programme you cry! Sadly no. Is there a Mrs Gruffalo?? Alas no. Well then how the bloody hell did the Gruffalo end up with a child!?!

Frankly MDWB’s I was baffled by this question…but I chose the only adult solution to this pondering… *glugg, glugg, glugg* you hear, yes I opened the wine. Once the wine was consumed, I really couldn’t have given a pig’s trotter how many Gruffalo’s there are in the world.

And then of course there was the stalking of the old man with a cocker spaniel and a close encounter with Jesus all before 9am! Oh MDWB’s picture the scene…

You are in a rural area, the sat nav thinks everything is an ‘unnamed road’ the address you have does not have a number…but we are looking for a key hanging out of a door. I drive very very slowly down this country lane until an old man comes along walking his cock…apologies cocker spaniel. Suddenly you feel as if this is turning into a very surreal drive-by minus the violence. Politely we ask the gentleman if he can help, he kindly walks his dog back down the road to show us the right place. We wish him good day and hope he enjoys walking his cock.

Then my dear waffle bloggers,one of my car companions goes to get out the car to go and get the key. Simple task you may think…*dramatic pause* (Imagine Chariots of Fire playing in the background) out of the car in slow motion falls my car companion…straight onto a grass verge. A pure British comedic motion in 3d HD! Casually, without looking too scathed, toddles off to get the key. In the words of my sat nav…’Mission accomplished’ or so we think.

Next stop, the village shop to buy milk and biscuits for tea. MDWB’s it was like that scene from ‘The League of Gentlemen’ when someone enters the shop for the first time – sheer horror of strangers in the village. Plus I think they milked the fecking cow the price of a pint of milk! We quickly exited the shop…Right onwards to the correct destination.

No. Well, here’s where it went wrong…you see not have a left arm at all I’m not terribly good with my lefts and rights. I often find myself taking the wrong turn and going on a little adventure that’s slightly out of my way. That day was no exception MDWB’s. Except this time we (me and the car companions) ended up at a convent. Now this would have been fine if I hadn’t had a flashback of being there once before. I can’t possibly tell you what went through my mind from before MDWB’S but there are a few readers of this blog that will read this and have a chuckle. (I can be bribed with celebrations and wine to tell all).

Now, I’m not religious MDWB’S but I do respect others right to their faith and beliefs. But there is still something unnerving when turning the car around in what you think is a car park and there is a statue of Jesus staring right back at you! At least unlike last time Meatloaf’s Heaven can wait didn’t come on the radio!

Finally, 9:00am we arrive in fits of giggles where we were suppose to be… Set up, try (without laughing) to explain to others why we were all laughing so much. And…*deep breath* recompose and back to work.

That MDWB’s is an insight into my summer… Can you guess what I do as a day job??I know

Wafflings will resume accordingly…

 

Until next time…if anyone wants me, I’ll be in the living room wine tasting 😉

Link
Prosthetics, balls and Boom!

Well my dear waffle bloggers,

I do apologise for the distinct lack of blogging lately but I’m sure you didn’t want another woman just moaning about the football! The World Cup my dear waffle bloggers, we wait four years for the media build the intense suspense and then….

We bloody well come home, knocked out after two games! But of course had to play that one last game…just to really rub salt in the wound! And that’s that done & dusted for another four years. Personally I think England football team should swap wages with the British Armed Forces! Don’t you agree MDWB’s?

Anyway enough of this ball talk, I want to tell you about my little world of late. Well I got my electronic arm back *jumps up & down for joy*. Yes fellas beware my left hand grip is now rather strong!! *Naughty, Oh do behave MDWB’S*

I saw a very interesting prosthetic arm on my visit to Dorset Orthopaedic, an i Limb! No don’t panic as I did thinking Apple are actually taking over the world! But it is rather clever, controlled by an app you can get on the app store or android! Your hand can cleverly move like a real hand. Now those of you that know me will know that I find this clever but incredibly freaky! I mean, imagine the scene…

PUB…with friends

  • *7pm* – everyone curious about the mechanics & wondering the technical spec
  • 8pm* – Oooo can you do your shoe up with it??
  • *9pm* – Can you go and pinch that cute barman’s arse with it?
  • *10pm* – Fuuuuccckkkk!! How the hell is my hand doing that!! It’s not real it can’t be!!
  •  *11pm* – Can it crawl across the floor like thing from the Adams Family??
  •  *11:05pm* – thrown out of pub for inappropriate prosthetic play!

Yes MDWB’s, you can see it now can’t you, I’m sure as hell I can! In the words of the brilliant Miranda Hart ‘Such fun!’

Righty ho off of the i Limb and back to work…

I have a varied job, I can’t deny. Recently I attended a Gruffalo hunt in a forest searching for a Gruffalo. A Gruffalo, you say…but there’s no such thing! Well I’m sorry to disappoint MDWB’s but the Gruffalo is real and goes under the alias of Ben! Excellent day out in the forest, birthday cake, thunder, lighting *very very frightening*, *your welcome* (as Queen now steps into your head)

Then today my dear waffle bloggers, a good couple of hundred people all sat in rather a large tent and listened to speeches come and go. But then MDWB’s we were given Boom whackers! Now a Boom whacker for those of you who don’t know is a hollow coloured tube that is in tune to a note, generally in the C scale. Varying length my dear waffle bloggers and no you can’t blow it *don’t be rude*. Average girth and not much to look at…isn’t that always the way girls! Anyway….

We had to play a tune! Absolutely no idea what it was but we banged away for a good 20 minutes or more! Banging for 20 minutes I hear you say! Yes 20 minutes of banging is enough to leave anyone exhausted on a Monday afternoon! I know I was exhausted that night I was banging away…yes, MDWB’s I had left my Terry’s Chocolate Orange in the fridge! Never, ever again will I do that!

Well, we didn’t have much of a tune but according to the font of all knowledge aka YouTube you can play the William Tell Overture! As these Gentlemen here clearly demonstrate…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jtrRwHVCgI

Well we all have to aspire to something my dear waffle bloggers… Maybe next year!

 

 

 

 

 

Some people make me understand why monkeys throw their poo!

Standard

My dear waffle bloggers,

I am sorry for not being present in your cyber space last week, very rude of me I know. I’m afraid MDWB’s life did not allow me near a keyboard long enough to waffle.

It has been one of those week’s where there’s been ups & down’s, highs and lows. During all of this MDWB’s I have been at times, more frustrated than a midget trying to play basketball. I have an electronic arm MDWB’s and it’s been away for repair but it’s not fixed yet so living one handed and trying not to over do it is challenging.

I did however stand in front of a chimpanzee enclosure and stare out a chimp whilst I was eating a banana! That my dear waffle bloggers was a highlight! Honestly, it was like monkey EastEnders, one of them was looking in an empty glass, couldn’t find any drink, lobbed it over its shoulder and then fell over. The Queen Vic of the chimp world it was. Brawl in the corner with the slightly balding one slapping the one with buck teeth, honestly Phil Mitchell and Ian Beale have nothing on these chimps!

Monkey World

banana!

They say monkeys are the closest relation to us humans and by George they were right! I could spot people I know characteristics in most of them. But…let’s not go in to that I’d be here all night! Monkeys giving blow jobs with children watching…MDWB’s they had no shame.  We were accompanied on our visit to Monkey World by the Sergent Major on my twat nav. Who by the way did not realise we had arrived at our destination! I have learnt MDWB’s that the £19.99 that Tom Tom keep trying to make me spend might actually be an investment so that the sergeant gets to the destination the same time I do!

Then you come back to reality don’t you MDWB’s, you leave Monkey World and head back to the the rest of the chimps. Flying visit to that there London town and a lovely people watching hour at Southbank, earphones in World off moment! Quick look at the big purple cow that is Udderbelly in London Wonderland and back home, where I left a bit of my toe in the road and the nurse at minor injuries thought as it was a bank holiday weekend I must have been pissed to have done it! When in fact I was as sober as a judge!

Some days you’re the statue, some days you’re the pigeon aren’t you MDWB’s. A week of feeling as frustrated as a T-Rex trying to do a press up mixed in with a very peculiar week of ‘what day is’ going on thanks to the bank holiday has not left me with much to write comprehensively!
Don’t worry waffle bloggers, next week I  shall be back with antidotes of my week… Until then I will leave you with this thought…
Teacher: What comes after 69? Student: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out